


Traffic Lights

by banandays



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Idols, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Funny, Happy Ending, Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin Fluff, M/M, OT6, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:55:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29885595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banandays/pseuds/banandays
Summary: Lost in the traffic lights, Eunwoo had long forgotten what it means to feel happy in his own skin. Comparing himself to the others and coming to terms with the fact he is terribly in love with Moon Bin haven't helped a little bit, either. Rather, as the two of them start drifting apart from each other, Eunwoo feels like there’s nothing he can do to fix the situation, outside trying to hide what he truly feels.Nevertheless, he will soon find out that all he needs to do is to be himself - because that's all it had taken for Moon Bin to fall in love with him, too.
Relationships: Lee Dongmin | Cha Eunwoo/Moon Bin
Kudos: 17





	Traffic Lights

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t seen the VLIVE for ASTRO’s 5th debut anniversary yet, but I saw a tweet on my tl feed in which Moon Bin admitted that Eunwoo had saved him several times whenever he had fallen asleep while he walked. So here I am! Drowning in my binu’s feels. Hope you like it! ^^

Eunwoo had always been attentive by default. It didn't matter if he was or wasn't the leader in their group - if he could be of any help to his hyungs, he would gladly do all the necessary to make them rest. After all, he had always been taken care by Jinwoo or Myungjun, so it felt as natural as breathing, to check for the others as well.

But Moon Bin was a sort of special case. He wasn't reckless like Sanha or Myungjun, nor collected as Minhyuk, but he worked hard. Danced hard. Gave all of him every time - even when it wasn't required. And when they had to perform their newest song, whenever he practiced alone for a show or decided to register a cover, and even when there was no camera turned on, you could still see it - his strong will. His certainty, his faith in who he was and what he was doing. His charisma, exploding all around him. His reflection in the mirror, displaying the fierceness of his attitude.

Eunwoo watched because he could and because he was mesmerised by him. There was no other explanation, outside the warmth that such a sight spreaded all across his chest each time. It felt so vivid, so real, so constant, that Eunwoo always felt thirsty for more, drowning in that feeling with every passing day.

So it felt more natural than ever, to check for Moon Bin from time to time. They shared the same room and spent most of the year together, so it didn’t feel like some sort of extravagant duty to keep. By doing so, he had learnt a lot. By doing so, he had slowly fallen in love with him. 

What he did not expect, however, was the fact that sometimes, without anybody knowing, he had the strangest habit of falling asleep as he walked.

Eunwoo couldn't quite grasp the reason why he had never noticed that bizarre particular. In fact, it hadn’t ever occurred to him to check if he was asleep or not when he walked, but Eunwoo had consoled himself by thinking that no one would have checked it either. Nobody else, in fact, had ever realized it - not Jinwoo, not Myungjun, not Sanha and not even Minhyuk, who had known Moon Bin for the longest.

Maybe he should have told them. Maybe, it was better to do so. But there was something so cute, so adorable, in watching him doing so, in being the only one to notice it, that he treasured that secret in his heart with unpleasant stubbornness. When he felt guilty about that - the risk something bad could happen to Moon Bin had crossed his mind sometimes - Eunwoo just told himself that it was okay and that someone would always be around him. After all, even if in a dangerous word as theirs, even as idols, they were perpetually surrounded by people, and there weren’t a lot of risks involving their work to be personally concerned with. After all, he repeated to himself like a mantra, Moon Bin was a grown adult able to discern when to sleep, if deprived of it, and when to walk without someone telling him what to do.

But as time passed, Eunwoo started pondering about it more frequently, finally having to admit that his friend wasn’t as capable of managing himself as he thought he would be. Indeed, more than a few times Moon Bin risked to trip or to hit something as he walked, forcing Eunwoo to retrieve him like a lost kid in a supermarket.

«You're really funny, you know?»

Eunwoo sometimes murmured, as he looked at him with an amused smile, busying himself by waking him up, or gently forcing him to sit on a chair or to lay on a sofa. What he wanted to say was pretty different - something like " _you're not just funny - you're cute, you're amazing and you’re far more than everything I wished my first love would be"_ , which was far more accurate - but Eunwoo was too shy, and Moon Bin was one of his favourite people in the entire world. Without him, he would feel lost. Alone. Shattered. To say something like that would inevitably imply losing a part of their relationship - even if Moon Bin was asleep. In a way or another, without any logical explanation, Eunwoo had the strangest idea that once he would have said that, it would have been the same to openly confess to Moon Bin - and there was no need to specify that there was no turning back from that point onward.

Still, he wasn't greedy. He wasn't impatient, either, and he clearly wasn't a boy in a hormonal crisis. Even if Moon Bin smiled at him, even if Moon Bin laughed at what he said, even if he made his world a whole bunch funnier and warm and beautiful with a simple gesture, Eunwoo was able to masquerade what it was flourishing inside his heart with extraordinary nonchalance. It was enough, for him, to look. To feel him. To dance with him. To be together in the same stage, surrounded by the other members. To be a strange sort of family all together. 

It shouldn't have surprised him that he wanted at least the privilege - or maybe the disadvantage - of having to check on Moon Bin whenever he was visibly burnt out, fatigued or simply tired. After all, it was his secret to keep. His duty to fulfill. His little happy and secret place to preserve. 

Consequently, Eunwoo read articles between an interview and another. He bought a book about somnambulism - even if he knew it wasn't Moon Bin's case. He made sure they had a rigid sleeping schedule and that during the night Moon Bin could sleep soundly, once reached the dormitory. Besides, he didn’t even have to force him to eat a lot or exercise continuously to make him sleep for hours and hours without realizing it, since Moon Bin already did that by himself.

But it took Eunwoo a few months to realise that Moon Bin had been falling asleep even in the middle of the night. After it had happened once, he took all the necessary precaution to avoid any strange sort of accidents: like an attentive mum, he stayed awake for an entire night to see where he would walk, following him discreetly through the living room with a pen and a notebook in his hands. With them, he took notes, smiling a lot. He tried to refrain from laughing openly, but only because he didn't want to disturb him and because it was too much fun to be silent.

In their little world, Eunwoo could see what he couldn't even dream during daylight. In their little word, Eunwoo could take care of him even if Moon Bin had no feelings for him. In their little world there was no pity, no sadness and no other people, except them. 

Moon Bin, obviously, wasn't awake during those sporadic episodes, but he had this kind of way of walking and muttering some words - like a kid walking around the apartment with his teddy bear held tightly between his arms - that made Eunwoo strongly desire to be free of taking some pictures, or at least reach for his phone and compare him to his favourite photos from Binnie’s childhood. He hadn't dared to save them in a folder on his phone, but indeed he knew by memory where he could rapidly find them.

Eunwoo did that, when he didn't crash against his bed due to exhaustion as soon as he reached the dormitory. Usually, he was extremely tired after a long day of hard work, but when he did look at him through the night and the day after he felt more tired than ever, Eunwoo didn’t regret it. Besides, he would never, _never_ , take advantage of him. Not once he had been tempted to do so, and he doubted he would ever be. In fact, the idea itself was enough to make him shiver with disgust.

But he looked and looked, creating imaginary maps of his face, of his lips and of his extravagant hair, now free from gels or make-up, in his mind. Drawing routes of where Moon Bin’s dreams would take him. Imagining what it would look like to wake up near him in the morning, to be able to hug him without feeling like a weirdo. Even with his bare face, he did look like the most beautiful person in the world. And even if he was fatigued and dark circles encircled his eyes, he looked like he was dreaming good things. Like he was satisfied. Like he had given all he had. It wasn't like he had no worries, of course - there were a few times in which Eunwoo frowned, staring at him with a puzzled expression on his face, as Moon Bin had nightmares. But even then, there was something so boyish, so peaceful in his face, that Eunwoo couldn't do anything else outside envy him.

He was so good at what he did. He was so aerie when he danced, and still so powerful. He had a marvelous voice, too. And he was goofy, and comforting, but at the same time so cool, so mainly, when he was fixed on something, that was no surprise to see how many people cheered for his success.

Eunwoo, on the other hand, felt like a drop of rain in the ocean. He felt like he had no weight, no deepness, no abilities - even when he knew he was good-looking, hard-working and by nature good at heart. He felt like he was beyond a deep curtain of fog, or glass. He felt like there was no time to fix that mess and that soon enough the world would just slowly come to terms with the fact that Eunwoo, too, had reached his limits. Like he couldn’t do anything to avoid the unavoidable. Like he had no other charms, no certain abilities - nothing to show off or to make the others appreciate him more. He felt like there was a void, inside him, silently resigned to that kind of destiny.

And what he could do, if even he had lost all faith in himself?

⌘

«Eunwoo- _ah_.» 

In a rare moment of freedom, Eunwoo was studying Japanese on his bed. Moon Bin, instead, had his face sinking against a pillow, refusing to do anything except lamenting and sometimes scrolling the feed of news and messages on his phone.

«What is it?» Eunwoo asked distractedly, focused on his manual. 

He wasn’t prepared for what was coming next.

«I wish I was as good as you.» Moon Bin murmured.

Eunwoo frowned, strangely amused. At first he had tried to sort out if he was pranking or complimenting him - there was a certain difference between them - but now he realised that maybe he wasn't kidding. 

Besides, a serious statement required a serious answer. So Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, softly smiled and shook his head, a little bit flattered, but at the same time a little bit sad, too.

«Then you clearly don’t know what you're talking about.»

Moon Bin let out a long sigh. He still didn’t want to look at Eunwoo.

«Maybe.» he moaned, resigned.

Eunwoo raised a hand to turn off the lamp. It was raining outside, and they could hear Minhyuk and Sanha bickering from the kitchen about who ought to wash the dishes, but it was comforting, the presence of the other in the room

«Moon Bin?» Eunwoo whispered from under the blankets. He wasn’t certain whatever he was or wasn’t sleeping, but he felt safe in the coziness of his bed. 

«Yes?» 

«You should try to sleep.» Eunwoo laughed at his tired tone.

«I don't want to.» Moon Bin protested, «I like hearing your voice.»

Eunwoo lost a heartbeat, but tried to not give it too many thoughts.

Actually, Moon Bin had just said so, but he was already slipping into a dream. 

«I like you too.» Eunwoo slowly whispered, before turning around and trying to get some sleep as well.

⌘

In his map, Moon Bin was the center of the universe. In his map, Moon Bin was the gravity that held him on his feet. In his map, Eunwoo could circle the entire globe and hug with his gaze the entire universe, but everything would still lead to him. He knew that even if he was lost, even if he felt hopeless in comparison, he would eventually find his way back to him.

In his map, Moon Bin woke up in the middle of the night just to nearly hit the door with his forehead. Then he would walk into the hallway, falling asleep without even realising, and then he would touch his face with a finger, or maybe two, but always extremely slowly, as he entered the living room. He would murmur something to their manager, or to his mum, in the most cute way in the world. It was fun, because he had always been saying he was the worst at making _aegyo_ , cringing each time Sanha, Myungjun, Eunwoo, Minhyuk or Jinwoo struggled to do so, but in reality he was like a puppy, an he didn't even have to try being cute, because he already was without putting any efforts. 

In his map, Moon Bin walked around the kitchen and missed the lamp near the sofa, but still successfully reached the fridge to drink a glass of water. From the other rooms, no noises could be intercepted - not even Eunwoos’s heartbeat. Then, Moon Bin would walk straight to their bedroom and slip into his own bed, snoring.

⌘

«Moon Bin? He fell?» Eunwoo said to Minhyuk, completely dumbfounded.

The boy nodded quietly, the shadow of a smile appearing on his lips. 

The breeze was lukewarm, since spring was just around the corner. The two of them were waiting for Sanha between an interview and another. Actually, that was what Minhyuk was doing - Eunwoo was just taking a break from studying intensely the script for the new drama he had been recently casted for, which had been airing in the past few weeks.

«It seems like he nearly fell from the stage. Ridiculous, isn't it? I laughed for half an hour after that. You should have seen his fa—»

«And you knew it?» Eunwoo had the sudden urge to ask him.

«About his condition?» Minhyuk stared at him curiously, «Yes, of course. It happened a lot during exams, at school - I mean, Moon Bin had been like this since he was a kid. He knows that it's pretty dangerous. He just feels too embarrassed to talk about it.»

Eunwoo became paler and paler as the words finally sank out. 

«Do you think we should tell the manager?» he said plainly to Minhyuk, trying to hide his concerns.

«What are you talking about?» the other scoffed, «He knows it already.»

⌘

It was early - too early to be talking, or simply being awake. Eunwoo walked to the living room without making any noise, trying to stop dozing off against his will. He had heard voices earlier, when he still was in his bed, but he had no idea that they were Moon Bin and Minhyuk’ coming from the kitchen - not until he saw the two of them whispering to each other.

«You had no right to tell to Eunwoo about that—»

«I didn’t think it was so serious!» Minhyuk interjected.

«It is not!» Moon Bin denied, raising a little bit his voice.

Then, as he realised he had just yelled at his friend, he swore at himself, apologising to Minhyuk.

«I just didn’t want him to know.»

Minhyuk opened his mouth to say more, but words suddenly failed him, as he looked behind Moon Bin’s shoulders and met Eunwoo’s stare half-way. Moon Bin turned around, trying to understand the reason for his sudden reticence, when he saw Eunwoo and something, inside of him, visibly clicked - realizing what had just happened.

«I fo— I forgot the f— faucet opened.» Minhyuk stuttered abruptly, exiting the kitchen lightning fast.

Eunwoo didn’t have to remind him that the bathroom’s faucet, as well as the kitchen’s one, were closed. Uncomfortable, he raised his chin a little bit, suddenly very conscious of the fact he was still wearing his pajamas. 

Now that they were alone, Moon Bin seemed paler than ever.

«Sorry.» Eunwoo muttered, smiling nervously to apologise, «I eavesdropped.» 

After all, there was no way to deny what he had just overheard.

«Eunwoo- _ah_ —»

«I’ll go, now.»

This time, Moon Bin did nothing to prevent him from going away.

⌘

Eunwoo had already reached a conclusion, by the time the other started noticing it. 

Moon Bin was ashamed, and maybe even angry, at the idea he had been caught sleep-walking; Moon Bin hated to be awakened during those episodes - regardless of who it happened to be the one who had been checking on him - and he hated that situation as much as he felt uncomfortable to be constantly treated differently from the staff. No one had to ask, to be certain of it; after all, it was written all over his face each time it happened.

Eunwoo, on the other side, felt trapped in a maze. There was no map, this time, to take him home - no route to distract him from what was happening or from what he had omitted, now that he had told everybody he had no idea about Moon Bin’s condition. It was a strange twist of fate and a sonorous slap on his face, the fact that even if he considered himself such a poor actor, he still had a natural talent for hiding what he truly felt. And he was so good at lying, at hiding behind a smile, an excuse, a diversion, that he was astonished by his reflexes, incapable of understanding what was really happening to him - and especially what had been happening for a while, to make him feel so lost and scared at the same time. Where he had been looking at, to stop seeing reality as it was. 

What happened to the diligent, smart boy who never lied, who was always sure about the right thing to do? What happened to him, to forget that there were people, beyond his own feelings for them? And since when, exactly, Moon Bin had started to hide from him the truth? To seek others help? What was Eunwoo supposed to do, now that he couldn’t understand in which state their relationship had been reduced to? There was no way to guess, in the real world. He was dragged by inertia within a black hole. In an instant, with a simple snap of fingers, someone had managed to remove the floor from under his feet. In an instant, he had forgotten how easily a person could crumble. What it meant to erase and to be erased. To stop hoping for something, just because you realize that maybe it isn’t right for you.

⌘

«It’s late, Eunwoo.» Myungjun protested, yanking to make him set foot outside the engraving room.

«Just one, last time— _Please_.»

«You need to eat!»

«I’ll come as soon as I finish— I swear!»

Jinwoo sighed, looking at him malevolently: «You better keep that promise, or we’ll drag you, this time.»

Eunwoo smiled and waved at them as they followed the others to a nearby restaurant. Focused on his work, he turned around, put his headphones on and gestured to the producer, who had already begged to try his part one more time, in order to nail it.

And as the evening faded away and night came in, Eunwoo sat on the sofa, waiting for the others to go home together. He had no intention from the start to join them, so he wasn't actually hurrying to catch up with them. Besides, they had worked so hard on that album that they really deserved to feast and celebrate to their heart’s content, now that the registrations were finally over.

Still, Eunwoo felt like there was something unconvincing in the main track. His voice wasn’t exactly off-tune - even if it clashed with Myungjun's exquisite high note, ruining the final effect - but it was infuriating the way in which it didn’t mix well with the others. Also, something was amiss; something felt definitely wrong. And he had no other choices except working on his voice and fix it before it was too late. The producer had told him to not worry too much, saying that he was obsessing over nothing, but Eunwoo couldn't stop thinking about it. He felt intoxicated by the comeback. The choreography was the most difficult they have ever learnt so far and they had to win at least an Award, or every chance of— 

«Why do you care so much?»

Eunwoo winced for the surprise. He had been so focused on the music sheets that he had forgotten the door wide open. Nevertheless, it still didn’t explain why a woman he had never met before was trying to strike up a conversation with him late at night.

«I mean, it's not like you'll go far with your group.» she resumed, smiling like it was a pity, but still the harsh reality of ASTRO, «So why do you waste your time with any of this?»

Before she had said that, Eunwoo had been on his way to be polite and bow at her, since she looked older and more professional. Hearing talking like that about his group, though, made Eunwoo stand still. There was something so intimidating in her gaze, in the way she was dressed, that no matter how beautiful her face could be - her eyes still manifested nothing if not the clear intention to take everything that suited her own taste without asking. And in that moment, they were completely fixated on Eunwoo. 

The boy stood up. «I beg your pardon?» he said without any trace of courtesy. 

«So you have a personality, after all.» the woman smirked, «Good for you.»

Eunwoo raised an eyebrow. He wasn’t in the mood to be accommodating, or to be quiet as someone insulted him.

«My name is Kim Yon Din. I'm a scouter for our new agency - the PR Electronic.»

She handed him her business card like she was giving cards for poker - with extraordinary nonchalance. Eunwoo took it from her hands, but not even for a moment he considered looking at it.

«I'm already under contract.» Eunwoo informed her.

«Several, if I’m correct - that's why I'm here.»

Before Eunwoo could react, she smiled confidently at him and crossed her arms: «You should try to get into acting, before it's too late. And no, I'm not talking about those dramas for kids. I'm talking about some serious acting roles - you won't last long, otherwise. Beauty is a good start, but it fades away rather quickly. You can’t sing and you can’t dance, so you should just stick with your visual - they call you Face Genius for a reason, right? If you put your mind into it, I’m sure you could make a decent actor.»

Those words struck him, hauled him. He had already heard them a long time before from their managers, as they were deciding which offers to put down for his upcoming role on the big screen. 

_Just beauty, not talent._ That has always been the gist of it. _Just beauty, not talent._ Not like Moon Bin. Not like Minhyuk. Not like Sanha, or Myungjun, or his idol’s friends - making him wonder why he was there, when he could have just been a model. Why did they scouted him, if he had nothing. Why did they have to lure him with the hopeless dream he could be an idol, when he clearly wasn’t cut for it. After all, all he was dealing with was a delusion after another, and the game wasn’t worth the cost of that pretense. 

All he had always felt, during the last weeks, was the pain of slowly drowning down into a pit of despair. It didn’t matter how hard he worked, how much he struggled, how hard he suffered because of it: he would never be as good as the others. He would never be irreplaceable for the group. He just felt like a nuisance - a nuisance that would inevitably drag the others into failure as well, if he didn’t stop.

«So that’s what they say about me?» Eunwoo’s voice was flat, as he mustered the courage to ask that question, «The people in our field.»

The woman nodded.

«I don’t want you to misunderstand, but I’m actually the most optimistic among them.»

He couldn’t think of anything. He felt like laughing just to hide how much it hurt, but she would see through that, like Eunwoo knew Jinwoo and Myungjun didn’t believe the facade he had pulled around himself since what happened with Moon Bin, and now— 

A body appeared between him and the woman. Eunwoo blinked for a second, trying to understand what was happening, when Sanha’s voice reverberated in the room, making the woman jolt for the surprise.

«He can sing.» the _maknae_ roared, hiding Eunwoo behind himself as he came to his rescue, «He can dance. He can act. You people are just _idiots_ , so leave him alone!»

Eunwoo opened his mouth, quite shocked. He had never seen Sanha react so nastily to someone - with his cheeks red as hell for the anger and his body almost trembling from restraining to not do anything reckless. 

«Ma'm,» Jinwoo then said, aligning with Sanha. Eunwoo hadn't seen both of them arriving. «I don't think you're allowed to be here.»

Arrogantly, the woman tilted her head, acting all cocky in front of ASTRO’s leader.

«What if I am?» 

«Then, it will be my pleasure to accompany you to the security, where they’ll escort you wherever you need to be.» he said cordially, before smiling at her in a way that gave Eunwoo goosebumps, «But I don’t think you’ll like that place.» 

It was a risky thing indeed, to jeopardize a lion cub. And Jinwoo, in that exact moment, looked like he had just started to size his next victim.

Wisely, the woman backed off, darted a glance at Eunwoo («You have my number. Call me.») and turned around to make her exit.

«What is wrong about acting for kids?» Sanha ranted and raved as she exited the door, «I'm a kid too, and I have no problem admitting that I enjoy those dramas way more than your nonsensical movies!»

The woman scoffed in disbelief, but still continued walking toward the exit, as Jinwoo made sure from the hallway that she was gone once for all.

Then, he turned around to face Eunwoo and looked at him reproachfully: «You said you would come.»

«Sorry. I was going to.» 

Jinwoo nodded, believing him. Eunwoo felt dreadful for lying at him.

Sanha, instead, clenched his first and looked at Eunwoo in an irate mood.

«Don’t listen to her.» 

«Sanha—» Jinwoo started, approaching their _maknae_.

«Seriously, how could she be so shameless?» he clamoured, «She came here! Knowing _hyung_ is with us! Without being invited!»

«Did he say something strange? Should I call the security?» Jinwoo murmured, trying to calm down the situation. He was talking in a low tone - the one he used when he was acting like the leader and he didn’t want the situation to precipitate.

«No, of course.» Eunwoo said like nothing was wrong. 

«Don't listen to her.» Sanha repeated a second time, more to himself than to the others.

Eunwoo sighed, finding the entire situation ridiculous. «Why are you so scared? It's not like another agency would really take me in, anyway. I have nothing to show them.»

Jinwoo tensed up. Sanha diverted his look from the floor to Eunwoo, like he couldn’t believe what he had just said. They both looked so young, so admirable, so full of energy, that Eunwoo had no idea how to afford to continue like this in the future. Suddenly, he felt like he could just sit on the sofa and fall asleep for the rest of the week.

«Eunwoo, stop with this bullshit—» Jinwoo scolded him in the same moment in which Sanha shook his head and said: «You can’t be serious—»

«Is there a problem?» their manager appeared, followed by Minhyuk, Myungjun and Moon Bin. The latter’s eyes, in particular, rested momentarily on Eunwoo, making the boy hurry to take his things and move to the doorway.

«Nothing.» he said drily, «Shall we go? I’m tired.»

⌘

Eunwoo was resting against the car’s window, returning from the photo shoot for his latest show. If he had to list all the things that could turn badly, the only thing that really scared him was the upcoming comeback, whose date was rapidly approaching - making him feel like there wasn’t time for anything else, except learning the lyrics of their side tracks between a nap and another. He repeated them, his headphones on, the music ongoing, listening even as his manager was taking him to perform their latest comebacks for a festival, but his head felt completely empty.

At least, he thought, he would get to see their fans. He had always liked the possibility to meet personally their AROHAS before a concert, or during a fanmeeting: whenever he saw crowds of girls and boys screaming his name, along with the others, it gave him reassurance. Serenity. Happiness. Because even if someone among them were hysterical, even if there were thousands and thousands of cameras turned on, he could look them in the eyes. Recall someone’s name. Sign some autographs, or take some pictures together.

So when they arrived at the side entrance and he saw thousands of people waiting in line for Eunwoo to come, he felt a little bit happy - even if he was more tired than ever. Because maybe he was loved, after all. Maybe, even if he wasn’t the most incredible idol in the world, their fans would still appreciate him.

He got off from the car. Smiled at the people. Their manager, as well as the bodyguards of the festival, intervened to put some distance between Eunwoo and his fans, but he could already see some posters and AROHAS light sticks, so he wasn’t really listening to what they were saying.

«Can you sign me your album?»

«A photo! A photo!»

«CHA EUN-WOO! YOON SAN-HA! PARK—» 

« _Oppa_! You’re so beautiful!»

 _«_ Look at his clothes. _Daebak—_ He must be so rich.»

«Look here, here! Yes! Yes, thank you, that’s the right angle!»

He started autographing albums, banners and notebooks, and then moved to shoot some photos. He answered questions and waved at his fans, having to remind the people in the back row to stop pushing the front lines, to avoid anybody getting hurt - and still, he was content of being there. Of being an idol. 

In fact, he was a little bit tired, so sometimes he had difficulties in understanding what some people were screaming, and he definitely felt like he had to sit down and rest a little bit more, but it could wait. It had to wait, for that moment to last.

But then someone dragged him in the crowd with violence and Eunwoo felt like sinking in dark waters. Bodies were pushing against him and people watched, looked, stared at him as he tried to grasp for air, as he managed to not fall to the ground. Someone touched the back of his neck, someone else robbed him of his phone, shoving his hand in his pockets. The pen he had between his hands fell; hands circled him, voice begged for him to see them, to talk with them. Desperate voice, enthusiastic voice - calling for him, asking for him, screaming of excitement at his sight. They touched his hair, grasped his hands. Someone brushed their fingers against his lower part and Eunwoo buried his head between his hands, eventually falling to the ground, as he tried to wriggle out from that grip.

Eunwoo didn’t want to be seen like this. Actually, he had never wanted to end up like this. All he had ever wanted was to be appreciated as he was. To not have to struggle to the point to lose himself. To stop feeling so pitiful, so horrible, so pathetic and to forget about Moon Bin - about the idea he would never get to know what real love felt like, that nothing would let him reciprocate his feelings. He just wanted to reach out for someone and to feel welcomed as he was. To feel loved, as he was. To live as he wanted to, rather than for the wishes of other people. And that chaos, all around him, that crowd, trying to have him as they pleased without Eunwoo’s consent, was too much to bear. 

Suddenly, he felt like crying. Suddenly, he felt like screaming for help. 

And finally, the bodyguard found him. As they tried to get him inside the building all in one piece, hands like tentacles grabbed his coat, his hands and even his shoes, trying to make him stay - and all he could manage to do was refrain from screaming at them to let go, to distance themselves, to let him be. 

He was a mess when he finally entered the building. He felt wrong. He felt dirty. Nothing of himself seemed in his place - not his clothes, not his looks, not his hair and most certainly not his spirit.

In shock, he tried to fix his hair with a trembling hand. He took off his coat, to distract himself from the way in which his legs were shaking. His lips were trembling. He felt so fragile that he would break if someone touched him.

«Eunwoo.» 

Moon Bin emerged from a nearby room. Eunwoo didn’t care to notice. He had to use the restroom. He had to be alone. He didn’t want to look at him and _see_ Moon Bin. Eunwoo didn’t want to have anything to do with him or his manager or the staff or the others. Gosh, he didn’t even want to have something to do with _himself_ , let alone having to deal with a serious discussion related to work.

«I need to talk to you.» Moon Bin said, positioning himself in front of him. He had to be in such a hurry, in such a need of talking to Eunwoo, that he didn’t noticed that Eunwoo wasn’t really feeling himself. «So please, hear me out.»

«I need to go to the bathroom.» Eunwoo murmured, trying to move past him.

«Eunwoo!» Moon Bin begged him, «Stop avoiding me!»

Eunwoo gulped and continued looking at the floor. Tears pricked his eyes.

 _Just beauty. Not talent._ He felt nauseous. He felt hideous. He just felt and it was too much, since all he wanted to do was disappearing.

Eunwoo took a deep breath, starting to recover from the shock. The others, in the meanwhile, appeared from the end of the hallway. Eunwoo tried to, but he was incapable of focusing on them - even as he saw Sanha and Minhyuk waving at him.

«We’ll talk about it later.»

«I think we should do it right now.» Moon Bin said, more firmly than ever, as he did not let him pass.

In that friction of second, anger replaced sadness. Resentment replaced sorrow. And wrath replaced hurt.

What could Moon Bin possibly know about Eunwoo? About his feelings? What could he _understand_ about Eunwoo? Nothing. Nothing at all. He had never tried to reach out for Eunwoo. Never said anything comforting. Acting like he was the victim of the situation. Resenting the others for worrying about his health and his well-being. Hiding things from him.

How could he know? He had it all. He had the beauty, he had the talent, he had a good personality - he didn’t even have to try, because he nailed everything at the first attempt. And it was so infuriating, to be in love with someone who is so good at everything, someone so dense, so tactless, to not notice that your best friend is in love with you and that he can’t stop himself from feeling that genuine rush of love even when he doesn’t want to, that Eunwoo pushed him, and then grabbed his shirt with a brute force he didn’t even know he had within himself.

«I said, _later_.» he growled, and then let him be.

Moon Bin was so shocked, along with the members of the staff and the others, that he didn’t do anything. Eunwoo waited for him to say something, to say _anything_ \- to react, somehow, to what he had just done, because he couldn’t stand seeing him so unable to grasp what was happening, and he certainly hated the fact that Moon Bin was standing there, doing nothing, as he had always did in the last few weeks.

_Stop me. Say something. Move._

A scold would be better than this. A fight would be better than this. An attempt to calm down the situation would be better than this. 

Eunwoo just felt the urge to break something, to crush it under his feet, to finally wretch the wall he had created around him. Couldn’t Moon Bin see that Eunwoo was drowning, beyond it? Why couldn't he at least do something, for once?

Eunwoo felt too much. He felt it reboiling in his vein, all of his anger. In that moment, he would be able to do something unforgettable, like punching him, or slapping him in the face, if Moon Bin would just give him the opportunity to start a fight.

But he didn’t. Instead, for the second consecutive time, he let Eunwoo go away without braving following him.

And Eunwoo, as soon as he entered the male’s section of the bathroom, couldn’t do anything to prevent himself from vomiting his soul out, crumbling and arching in a little and horrible cube-shaped space until nothing remained left in his stomach, if not the fear of having done something tremendous. 

Had he ever loved Moon Bin? Did he really _like_ Moon Bin for what he was? 

Reached this point, he had no idea. All the happy memories and all he had felt because of him were tormenting him, but now that he tried to recall those feelings, he couldn’t understand if he had ever felt something outside friendship, camaraderie or admiration. It had been so toxic, the way in which Eunwoo had been yearning him. Searching for him. Waiting for him. Expecting from him. All while Eunwoo had remained silent.

But he had looked at Moon Bin like he was besotted by him. Just like Eunwoo’s fan had been pushing, touching, staring at him without his consent just a few minutes before, Eunwoo had acted out of his personal wishes on someone else's skin. He had never talked properly to him about his condition. He had never asked himself how Moon Bin would have reacted if he had known about Eunwoo’s peering - if he would be okay with it. 

And what if Moon Bin didn’t want to be seen like that? What if he would have felt uncomfortable in the same way Eunwoo had been scared of that crowd?

Moon Bin was acting like a victim? Eunwoo had never taken advantage of him? That was bullshit. He had stared at him like a creepy old guy without permission, his crush dozing off while he traced maps - _maps_ , like a complete psycho - about the route he had taken and his strange habits. How could he have been so pathetic to not see it? He had no right to like Moon Bin. He hasn’t had it right from the start, but this time he had completely put aside any common sense.

Eunwoo stood up. He could hear people outside the door whispering to each other about knocking or not, and Jinwoo’s sudden intrusion in the hallway, asking for what happened, but he still didn’t feel like dealing with what had happened.

Maybe, he did deserve it - all the bad that was happening to him. Maybe, but just maybe, his masquerade was slowly falling apart, along with everything he had tried to build in his career. Maybe, it was all an invention. Maybe, they were the right consequences for his actions.

But most certainly, Eunwoo had no idea how to fix it.

⌘

After that day, Eunwoo apologised to Moon Bin. Spoke properly with their manager. Promised to not undertake anything so foolish in the future. There were a few photos circulating in the web, showing Eunwoo engaging in a fight with Moon Bin, but they had rapidly hushed it all up with a VLIVE, where they had explained they were just joking around.

Then, a few days before their official showcase, they rehearsed in a theater, testing the choreography with the entire crew of dancers for the first time after they had shot the MV. Moon Bin, who had dark circles under his eyes, fell asleep as he waited in the waiting room for their turn. Jinwoo saw him walking toward the storage closet, unconscious of the fact that the door was closed, and stopped him before he sonorously clashed his forehand against.

«Sorry, _hyung_.» Moon Bin blurted, still a little asleep, «What were you saying?»

Jinwoo said something, but Eunwoo didn't care. He wouldn't care. He couldn't care. _No more,_ he had swore to himself. _No more._ Once, he would have been the one telling Moon Bin to sit, or taking him in a warm place to lay where no one could detect them. Now, it was Jinwoo's duty. Myungjun’s duty. Minhyuk’s duty. Sanha's duty. His nights were so much quieter and lonely, now that he was alone in his dreams, but if that was Moon Bin had decided for himself, so be it.

He walked in the opposite direction, followed by Moon Bin’s insistent stare. Eunwoo had his phone between his hands; maybe he could exercise a little bit to relax his muscles and to not think about Moon Bin, before starting the dance practice. 

After he found an empty dressing room, he positioned his phone with their routine videos against the big mirror placed in front of him, preparing himself to warm up. The first moves came out badly, but then he speeded up, picturing in his mind the way Minhyuk arched his hips to perform better, or the gestures at the end of the first transition. It was discouraging, to compare his pale imitation of his _hoobae_ with the choreographer's moves, and he felt so tired, so glum, that he was on the verge of running away from everything, feeling overwhelmed by the amount of responsibilities that were resting upon his shoulders. He had just nodded and said yes to each request from the producer and art directors, diligently taking notes between a meeting and another, but now he doubted he could do it.

Still, he had to. He couldn’t recall the last time he had eaten - he didn’t feel like doing it anymore, eating some vitamins and buying a few energy drinks from time to time, since at least he didn’t have to vomit after - or slept soundly, but it didn’t matter, as long as he could manage his facial expressions. Eunwoo was high, with broad shoulders; even if he lacked the necessary technique to shine, he could compensate with his hair and the customs specifically designed for him. Then, a few smiles and kind words to the interviewer would work on the audience to burst the mood. He would do this - impersonate someone else, sacrificing a part of himself - if that would help. Now, he felt uncomfortable in crowds, unable to look at his phone to hear AROHA’s opinion on the internet, scared of what he would see, of the criticism, of the meanness some messages were soaked in, but he could force himself, if he needed to. 

If that would work, he would continue doing this for all the time necessary for the group to be noticed and never forgotten; that strange assemblage of people, after all, was his second family, and they deserved every piece of joy in the world. He wouldn’t, he couldn’t, be an obstacle toward their dreams.

The fact he had been living off others' opinion, that he had slowly built his entire identity about what people thought about him - that was his problem to manage. His weakness to shield. And he would work on it - he would definitely do that, for the sake of his career and the whole group. After. After the comeback. After having fixed that mess with Moon Bin. 

That was what he had promised himself a few days before, but the more Eunwoo pondered about it, the more he felt fatigued, and tired and incapable of moving his limbs. He lift his chin and all he could see in the monitor of the phone, in that strange state of mind, was the ugliness of his personality, of his body, of his mentality. A distorted image of himself. A person he did not know - completely empty inside. 

A rush of nausea suddenly hit him. The world spinned under his feet. He suddenly leaned with his wrists against the little shelf under the mirror, bending to grasp for air, as he suddenly noticed his legs shaking uncontrollably - just like they were made out of jellies. 

He was sweating. The entire room, around him, was cold, but he was sweating too much. He tried to take long deep breaths to regain control over himself, but all in vain. He was on the verge of fainting - he couldn’t even keep his eyes open - when he felt a gentle hand press against his shoulder. 

It was Myungjun.

«Are you okay?» he asked, visibly worried as he studied his figure.

«Yes. I am. Sorry.» Eunwoo murmured, nodding as he let Myungjun help him to sit on the floor, since there were no chairs around them.

« _Yah_!» his hyung said, touching his forehead with a hand, «You’re burning. Why didn’t you tell us you had a fever?»

«I took… some painkillers.» he rasped. In fact, he had noticed he was feeling worse than usual that morning, but he hadn’t given it too many thoughts, considering how much their schedules were packed.

«Why are you here?» he asked to distract him. Myungjun would always say that he was as calm and collected as Minhyunk - a blatant lie, from Eunwoo’s point of view - but he yelled a lot when he got angry at someone. 

Myungjun frowned. «Moon Bin was searching for you.»

Moon Bin had been searching for him. 

_Moon Bin._ Searching for him.

Why was that fact enough for Eunwoo to be happy? Why did he have to suffer so much for nothing? Eunwoo hid his face with a hand, trying to convince Myungjun that he was thinking, when in reality he was just trying to force himself not to cry. Not that he could act like nothing was happening - after all, even if his face was covered by his hand, the latter was trembling and shaking too much to not be noticed - but at least he could try.

«I see.» Eunwoo said.

All he had to do was stand up and see for himself. He had done it days ago, when he had vomited in that tiny bathroom, and he had done two days before, as his headache had been so strong to make him collapse on the bus directed to the nearest location for their photobook. 

It was all he had learnt during those years. Break, then restart. Sleep, then move again. Breathe, and then return to work.

This time, still, he broke down for real. He started crying like he had never cried before, gasping for air like he was on the verge of falling down an infinite staircase - deep down in a horrible place. He fought against himself at least to be quiet, if he really had to do so, but he couldn't refrain from sobbing and whining, his voice only growing louder and louder as time passed.

Myungjun didn’t call for help. Instead, he sat near him and soothed his pain without saying anything, just talking through his actions, as he nodded and let him cry as much as he needed to. By doing so, Eunwoo felt like someone was collecting each piece of him. Like he could cry, and sob, and shake, but someone would still have his back. Like Myungjun wouldn’t let him give up on himself. Like Myungjun would understand and wouldn’t judge him for what he was feeling and for the way he was acting.

«You think you actually deserve this.» Myungjun said after a while, «But you're just making yourself miserable.»

Eunwoo had no idea what he knew, but in front of him he felt naked. Vulnerable. Myungjun, on the other hand, knew that Eunwoo felt like a wreck and that he had been like that for a lot of time. Maybe he had guessed what he felt for Moon Bin, or maybe not, but in that moment Eunwoo could believe whatever he wanted, and he needed to believe that against the world he wasn't completely alone with his feelings.

So he buried his head against his chest, practically sobbing through the expensive fabric of his costume. Myungjun hugged him lightly. He did not say that everything was okay, that he did not have to worry about anything, that he was safe. He accepted Eunwoo with his troubles and his doubts and his scars and all of his pain, making Eunwoo finally realize how much he had been longing for someone’s touch.

«I’m not okay.» Eunwoo’s voice broke down, stumbling upon his words, as he finally stopped crying.

«No,» Myungjun consoled him, stroking his back with kindness - his shirt a mess of makeup and tears, for which he clearly didn’t care at all, «you’re clearly not.»

«Can you help me, _hyung_?» he whispered, sniffling.

Help. He needed help. Staying in his mind was already a living hell.

«I can’t.» Myungjun said softly, looking as fragile as Eunwoo was, «But maybe we can make you help yourself.»

⌘

So, in summary, Eunwoo took a hiatus from the comeback. He rested for a week at his parent's house, trying to sort out his thoughts. Collecting his feelings. Distancing himself from the toxiness of his life and from the others’ expectations. The flow of support messages were infinite on their fancaffè and the members couldn't stop themselves from sending him photos and voice messages in the group chat, but Eunwoo didn't care, as long as he could hear their voice and be informed about the comeback.

Moon Bin didn't call. Didn't text him. Didn't reach for him. The others, too, didn't mentioned him.

From the doctor’s point of view there wasn’t so much to do, outside eating a lot and trying to take care of his body. Still, he had reached his limits, that day, and he had to rest in his own bedroom for a while before recovering from the cold and the fever. 

Before going back to the dormitory, he started therapy. He had promised to look after himself not only in the body, but also in his mind, and he felt like it was a wise decision, after discussing it with the agency. So he worked hard to fix that mess before being eaten alive by his fears and misconceptions. Reaching for someone to help him understand what to do to not fall again in that madness. Learning to take care of the way in which he approached the world. 

It wasn’t an immediate answer, nor a definitive solution, but he felt good by doing so. At first it had been embarrassing, and hideous, if we didn’t count the aspect of having to reminisce about the worst part of your life, but after some time he got used to that. He started reading books again, discovering an entire section about self-help guides on the bookshelves of a local library. He even asked his parents, who he had never consulted for similar matters, for advice, trying to get to know them better, after years and years of vague calls and happy-birthdays related messages. 

He had felt so discouraged about himself that he had never taken that possibility seriously, but now that he understood he could overcome it, he started wondering what he liked. What he hated about himself. Why he had envied the others so much. Why he hadn’t helped himself before. He opened up, little by little, and slowly created a pattern for himself to follow in the near future. Finally, he understood that his limits weren't for him to break, but to protect himself. That setting boundaries in his work, in his life, didn't necessarily mean being weak.

That even if it was complicated, even if he thought he didn't deserve it, he was in love with Moon Bin, and that there was nothing he could do about that.

⌘

Eunwoo was tired of waiting for Jinwoo. It didn’t matter if his _hyung_ had a lot of responsibilities to look after - they had agreed to eat an ice cream together, now that the comeback was finally over and Eunwoo had returned to Seoul, consecutively waiting for him for half an hour under the sun without a single complain - but now it was starting to get ridiculous. Besides, the fact he didn’t answer his calls made him pretty furious. After all, which leader did not answer the calls of their main visual?

Sighing, Eunwoo continued calling Jinwoo on the phone, walking towards the exit of the park. 

It was nice to see spring blooming all around him. The weather was nice, the people were nice - everything felt way too nice, even if he had been dumped by his friend. If he thought about it, Eunwoo realized he had never stopped to observe how beautiful some flowers were, and that when the sun shined high in a clear sky, you could—

«EUNWOO- _AH_.»

Eunwoo turned around as he heard someone calling his name. Then, he backed off a little, astonished - no, that was not right - _shocked_ by the sight of Moon Bin running so hard to catch up with him to let the wind blow away the hat he was wearing.

Still, Moon Bin continued running, his legs taking huge strides - and even jumping over benches, finally landing on Han’s river promenade - and his hands moving at the same wave-length, to give more emphasis to his peace. To reach Eunwoo as soon as possible.

_God. I love him._

That was all he could think when Moon Bin nearly fell down on the ground for the impetus as he tried to slow down and stop right in front of him.

«Thank god, I found you.» he gasped, completely out of breath.

Well, Eunwoo could actually see that. Still surprised, he looked around them, hand firmly planted against his hips, and tried to figure out what to say.

«Jinwoo- _hyung_ hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m sure he—»

«No,» Moon Bin shook his head, straightening his back to look at him in the face. He was wearing his glasses, for once, and he just looked at Eunwoo through them like a normal, cool, boyish high school student, «I was searching for you.» 

Eunwoo blushed. He _blushed_ , right in front of him.

And Eunwoo had never, _never_ blushed so hopelessly before.

Embarrassed by the way in which his friend was studying him - which was rather intense, like he wanted to immortalise every feature of his face for a lot of time to come - he scratched the back of his neck, and just hoped for the red in his cheeks to not be too evident. 

After a few embarrassing seconds in which both of them remained silent, unable to say anything, Eunwoo finally smiled at him: «It’s nice to see you.»

It was. It really was. He had resented him, before the comeback, but at that time he had been angry at himself. Eunwoo still didn’t understand why they had stopped talking to each other when they had been best friends for years and years, but seeing him like this - no, even before seeing him, when he had just thought about him from time to time - made him regret the time they had wasted.

Moon Bin’s eyebrows narrowed and tensed, before displaying the relief - and also the guilt - he probably felt hearing Eunwoo saying those words.

«I thought you were angry at me.» he murmured.

«For what?» Eunwoo asked, uncertain of what to expect from Moon Bin because _yes_ , he had indeed been angry at him, but not for the reasons he probably imagined. Could he— had Moon Bin realized Eunwoo’s feelings for him?

«For not saying anything about my condition.» Moon Bin said, making Eunwoo sigh in relief inside his mind, «For having hidden it from you. I thought you resented me. That, along with other things happened along the way.» 

Then he gestured to the void, having troubles expressing what he wanted to say, as he searched for the right words. «I just— I just felt like... I needed to be strong, you know? Since I wanted you and the others to rely on me. I wanted to look cool, and confident, in front of you, because I— I didn’t think I was enough to be at your side. And I especially wanted to think I had everything under control. I just _hated,_ like completely loathe, the idea that you would stop looking at me like you did— like you admired me. Like you appreciated me. Because, actually, I don’t think there is someone more important than you guys— I mean, ASTRO is one of the most important things in my life, Eunwoo- _ah_. And god, you’re my best friend. My roommate. I look up to you so much, and you always handle everything without saying anything, working twice harder than all of us, being so good at what you do, and _damn_ — in comparison I’m just a big mess.» 

Moon Bin frowned, realizing he was talking too fast to Eunwoo to fully understand what he was saying. Yet, even if Moon Bin didn’t know it, Eunwoo understood. He understood too much what it meant to feel poised, to be scared about the idea of letting down someone important for you.

«I hated it. I didn't want to give you more reasons to think I’m a loser. I didn’t want to feel like I wasn’t good enough for you and I didn’t want you to know that I’m so dumb to fall asleep when I walk. I mean, it’s ridiculous. Still now, it just sounds like a bad joke.»

«Nobody would ever think you’re weak, Moon Bin.» Eunwoo said, softening a little bit.

«Maybe.» he finally admitted, «But I was so fixed on it, and so angry at myself, that I forgot about why I started trying to get better and better. I lost my route. I lost sight of you.»

Eunwoo’s eyes were now wide open. 

Moon Bin hesitated, before continuing. «I didn’t want you to misunderstand. That’s why I wrote to you. I’m sorry if I said the wrong words, but—»

«Wait, wait.» Eunwoo interjected, caught off guard. Eunwoo felt like he should have stopped him long before then, or at least told him to find a place where to sit and talk - standing there in the middle of the avenue’s park didn’t really screamed _intimacy_ \- but he was still elaborating his words, and his brain had just started functioning properly, when Moon Bin had said those words.

«You wrote to me?»

Moon Bin opened his mouth, shocked to the core. «Thousands of times. Nearly everyday, Eunwoo. You know I’m not good at talking about my feelings, so I— I thought you would, I mean, I thought you were at least receiving the notifications of my messages. I figured that you would answer me, sooner or later. But you didn’t.»

Eunwoo gulped, pulling off his phone.

«I didn’t receive any of them. See? There are none.»

Moon Bin took the phone from his hand, suddenly coming closer. He did like it was the usual, but Eunwoo had to divert his eyes from his hair, to distract himself from the scent of his shampoo.

For heaven's sake, they had lived together for more than four years. _Four years._ Eunwoo couldn’t be already on the edge just because they had been separated for a few weeks.

Moon Bin fixed his glasses on his nose, digitizing something on his own phone with the other hand.

«What happened to your old ID?» he asked.

Perplexed, Eunwoo tried to guess what he meant with “old ID” for a long time, recalling something about his old number, when he grimaced and let out a frustrated cry, burying his face between his hands. 

«Oh, _no_. No, no, no, I forgot to check it.» Eunwoo took his own phone from Moon Bin and installed an old instant messaging app that they - which meant Jinwoo, Myungjun, Sanha and Minhyuk included - were using before their debut. It was their favourite app - more simpler than Kakaotalk or whatever people were using. 

After everybody had uninstalled it, Moon Bin had been sulking for months, begging Eunwoo to write to each other through that, and Eunwoo - to preserve his peace of mind - had agreed to it, sending selfies, stupid messages, long confession and even absurd questions in the middle of the night. Whenever they felt alone for some reason, and even when they missed their families, they always ended up writing to each right there. 

How could he have forgotten? 

«I was so— I’m so sorry, I lost my phone— actually, they robbed me, but long before then I stopped checking it - let me see.»

And then, just like magic, thousands and thousands of messages appeared on his screen. The application was so old that he didn’t even recall if there were the check-mars to understand if the addressee had received or seen the messages. Still, the proofs of every time Moon Bin had tried to reach for him were now more evident than ever, making Eunwoo feel so stupid for having doubted him in the first place that he strongly desired to slap himself in the face.

Eunwoo bit his lower lip, mortified. «I— I didn’t see them. I’m sorry.» 

Moon Bin opened his mouth, then closed it. He did that three times - Eunwoo counted them down - and each time he gave Eunwoo the impression he did not know whatever feel relieved, happy or sad about it.

«Well,» he said at the end, «that’s okay. It really is. Just give me—»

He moved his hand abruptly, trying to take Eunwoo’s phone and probably cancel the entire chat, when Eunwoo moved his hand instinctively, distancing his phone from Moon Bin’s reach.

«That doesn’t mean I won’t read it.» he commented, grinning at him with mischief.

Moon Bin laughed, shocked, and started chasing him to snatch the boy’s phone from his hands. Eunwoo, on the other hand, did all the necessary to escape from him - running, trying to distract him motioning to imaginary air planes, making him run around circles until they both couldn’t take it anyway. 

At the end, they both fell to the grass, trying to catch their breath. Eunwoo closed his eyes, sun-bathed, and smiled, completely relaxed near him, now that his phone was hidden deep down his jeans.

«Eunwoo- _ah_.» Moon Bin whispered.

«Mmhhh?»

«There’s a spider on your shoulder.»

Eunwoo screamed like a thirteen-year-old, standing up and doing a strange sort of ballet to make the spider go away. In this, Moon Bin laughed so hard that he nearly cried, making it obvious he had just wanted to seek revenge over Eunwoo.

The boy chuckled, too, and then started hitting him very lightly - only for fun, without any cruelty, acting foolishly just like they did in the past, in their own bedroom, alone from the others. They were so used to quarrelling and bickering with each other that they couldn’t let more than a few seconds before starting giggling and laughing at each other all over again, chuckling like it was the most hilarious thing in the entire world.

«I can’t believe you did it.» Eunwoo said, shaking his head.

«I can’t believe you _actually_ fell for it so easily.» Moon Bin said, making Eunwoo hit him even harder, if possible.

Then, they fell again to the grass in companionable silence.

«God, I’m tired.» Moon Bin admitted.

Eunwoo was so happy to be there with him, to know that he had written to him, that smiled at him and squinted his eyes.

«What did you even write, to make yourself chase me so hard?»

Moon Bin, from a supine position, rolled on his left side and let his head rest upon the palm of his hand - looking at Eunwoo like the entire world might just disappear and he still wouldn’t care a little bit.

Eunwoo, instead, couldn’t see anything if not him. There was something so intimate in the way their bodies were just a few inches from each other, something so personal in the way he felt electricity all across his body, that he had goosebumps. Still, he didn’t divert his eyes from him, standing as still as a rock. _If I stand up now,_ Eunwoo thought, _I might kiss him. If I stand up now_ , he realized with a rush of pleasure, _he would probably kiss me back._

And he was right; Moon Bin would have done so. 

That was the way in which they were laying on the ground - like they were literally drunk of each other’s presence. 

«A lot of things, actually.» he said slowly. Eunwoo smiled at him, completely wrapped around his finger. «Like the fact I always thought that this stupid habit of mine was wrong and that I was stupid. Or the fact that I didn’t know what to do to apologise for my behaviours, without having to admit that I was treating you - along with the others - unfairly. But I especially thanked you a lot, Eunwoo- _ah_.»

Eunwoo’s smile faded away. «But I didn’t do anything.»

Moon Bin shook his head, his eyes disappearing in his cheeks.

«You helped me.»

«I didn't—» Eunwoo frowned, not understanding.

«You did.» Moon Bin interjected, «You distanced yourself from work for a bit. You started seeing a psychiatrist. You opened to Myungjun.»

He had done that, but only because he was desperate and because Myungjun happened to be there when Eunwoo needed someone.

Then, with a promptness that surprised Eunwoo, he took something from his pocket and unfolded a piece of paper right in front of him.

Eunwoo freeze. It was his map. He had thrown it away the day he had heard Minhyuk and Moon Bin talking in the kitchen, thinking he would never get to see it again. Eunwoo took it from his hands, sitting up near him, and studied with a strange sort of melancholy at the place in which he had buried for months his deepest thoughts and feelings.

«You helped me.» Moon Bin repeated, «So thank you, Eunwoo, for still appreciating me even when I thought I was at my lowest. Even when I didn’t know you were there. Thank you for looking after me when I couldn’t appreciate myself.»

Eunwoo was at loss for words. «How did you—»

Moon Bin coughed, a little bit embarrassed.

«I found it in the trash.»

Eunwoo chuckled softly. «I doubt I want to know what you were doing there.»

«You're right.» Moon Bin confirmed, «You really don’t want to know.»

Eunwoo forced himself to relax his shoulders, as he folded the piece of paper and turned around to face him. Their legs brushed against each other, but Moon Bin didn’t pull back, smiling at that sight - and consecutively making Eunwoo die for the excessive amount of cuteness Moon Bin could radiate.

«I'm sorry.» Eunwoo proceeded to apologise, «I shouldn't have done that. I have no excuses, this time. It was unprofessional, stupid, unfair and—»

«It was just so _you_.» Moon Bin concluded on his behalf. Then he raised his eyebrows, questioning the way in which Eunwoo was left stunned by his choice of words. 

Moon Bin leaned with his palms against the green grass, enjoying the feeling of the sun against his skin. «What? You thought we didn’t see it? You had always protected us, Eunwoo- _ah_ \- even at your own expenses. We really admire you for that.»

«Oh, _stop it_.» Eunwoo moaned, giving him a little push with his hand.

Moon Bin, yet, didn’t take it into account, pushing him back. 

«I’m so glad it was you. I’ve been glad it was you right from the start, when we met each other for the first time, but now I’m just glad of having you in my life.» 

Moon Bin had to stop saying those things, or he would be his ruin. Eunwoo raised his eyes upward, trying to minimize the effect of his words on his low self-esteem, but he couldn’t stop a burst of joy spread all across his chest.

Moon Bin bended, trying to connect again their gazes - a trace of sadness in his voice: «I’m sorry, though, for not being with you when you needed someone.»

Overwhelmed, Eunwoo shook his head, fidgeting with the grass on the ground. 

«You’re here, now.»

That was all that counted, in that moment, both of them grateful to Myungjun (even if he would never get to know that, since the two of them had always been the first to complain about the childish attitude of their _hyung_ ), nourishing that secret between them. Or maybe, one even bigger.

«I missed you.» Moon Bin said as someone would say “we need more milk”, or “can you give me a glass of water?”. As he was merely stating a fact.

Once, months before, Eunwoo would never even dream of hearing it. To have hopes for the future. But now, he could clearly see it - the strings that pulled him and Moon Bin drawing them closer and closer to each other.

«I missed you too.»

And he would have said more, probably, if it hadn’t been for his phone, which started ringing annoyingly.

Eunwoo smiled at Moon Bin, ready to kill whoever had interrupted that moment - which he deemed imperative, given that the call was from no one but Jinwoo in person.

 _“You called me?”_ he said as soon as Eunwoo answered.

«What about the ice cream?» he raised an eyebrow in response - even if he knew he couldn’t see him. Moon Bin came closer, listening with his cheek pressed lightly against Eunwoo’s fingers, which were tightly wrapped around his phone. 

Again, Eunwoo was reminded of how close they had been until Jinwoo had suddenly called and, _again_ , he fought to suppress all the homicidal instincts inside him.

 _“Ice cream? What ice cream?_ ” Jinwoo asked, confused. Then, something hit him very hard, and he started making strange verses vehemently, “ _AHHH, yess, the ice cream! Sorry, but I’m really busy right now - the manager wanted to know err, ehm, something, I guess? And oh, gosh, I’m so tired after the comeback that I—_ ”

 _“_ Hyung! _The movie is starting!”_ someone screamed on the other end of the line - someone whose voice resembled a lot Sanha’s.

 _“Did you buy the popcorn?”_ Eunwoo heard Minhyuk’s unmistakable voice, this time.

_“I want them tasty! And salty! Did you hear me, Jinwoo? Like my beautiful and sexy face!”_

...and that had to be Myungjun. Eunwoo and Moon Bin laughed, incapable of remaining serious as their leader was caught red-handed.

 _“Have fun with Moon Bin! Bye!”_ Jinwoo hurried to say, closing the call as soon as he could.

Eunwoo glanced significantly at Moon Bin. «It seems like my appointment had just been cancelled.»

Moon Bin stretched out on the grass, yawning as he basked lazily under the shadow of a near three. «What a pity.» he had the insolence to say.

«What did you bribe Jinwoo with?» Eunwoo asked, pleased to know that at least they wouldn’t be disturbed any further.

«Just a few movie tickets.» he admitted.

«Gosh, that _hyung_ came cheap. I’ll have to remember it.»

Moon Bin snickered, having the time of his life imagining Eunwoo blackmailing Jinwoo.

«So, what do I get from it?» 

Eunwoo was getting more shameless as time passed - and also pretty hopeless at hiding how he truly felt towards Moon Bin. This time, though, he couldn’t care less. For the first time in a long time, he felt himself again - and he also felt pretty in love, to be honest. 

Moon Bin slowly opened his eyes. 

As he did so, Eunwoo could see entire constellations in those irises.

«Let’s see what we can do.»

⌘

Los Angeles, summer. Eunwoo was trying to not make too obvious the fact he was tired after an entire night walking and visiting the city along with 4 idiots and a hopeless fool infatuated by churros (Myungjun- _hyung_ ) but, after all, there were worse things to be tired of, as he had demonstrated just a few months before.

Still, they had a concert in the afternoon and Moon Bin was being so clingy that Eunwoo was considering throwing him off in the middle of the street without restraint. If he was able to refrain from those thoughts, it was only due to his impeccable sense of duty (and also because he loved Moon Bin _that_ much.)

«Eunwoo- _ah_. Let me sleep on your shoulder.» Moon Bin whined, his hands circling Eunwoo’s arm. Waiting for the traffic light to become green, the crowd in front of them was so dense that they couldn’t even see how much traffic had assembled in that part of the megalopolis.

«It wouldn’t be very romantic of you, to drool on my new t-shirt.»

The so-called t-shirt was a grotesque white piece of fabric with a unicorn printed on the back and a strange and creepy logo of the local basketball team on the front. Eunwoo had been so fascinated by it that he hadn’t had any second thoughts when they had asked him to buy it for a ridiculous sum of dollars.

Actually, Moon Bin was feeling ashamed to walk near someone with such an embarrassing outfit, but it was also true that just the night before he had gone from a bar to another with nothing outside his swimsuit and scuba mask (he was drunk, okay? _drunk_ ) so he couldn’t quite question Eunwoo’s life choices without exposing himself to the risk of being mocked. 

«For what it looks like, I don’t think it will be a great loss for humanity.» Moon Bin still dared to say.

Eunwoo darted him a dirty look. «Are you questioning my fashion taste?»

«Just a little bit.» the other confessed, grinning. «But you’re confident you’ll look good whatever you wear anyway, so it’s not like I expect to have a say.»

It was right - a few people had already blocked the crew to ask for Eunwoo’s number for a fashion show in the next month. The location? Barcellona. Which meant Europe. Jinwoo had taken every business card bowing very loudly - even if Eunwoo was protesting and shyly shooking his head, fluttered, but still not interested.

Eunwoo blushed. «God, you’re always so cheeky.»

«That’s why you like me.»

It sounded too familiar, and especially prepared beforehand, that kind of answer from him. Also, Moon Bin was humming so happily that Eunwoo could actually imagine he was waiting for a response from him.

For the first time in his life, even if surrounded by people who didn’t speak their language - or maybe because of it - Eunwoo looked at Moon Bin earnestly, straightened his back and finally spoke the question he had never mustered the courage to ask - the same he had been tormenting Eunwoo since the two of them had practically started dating, due to a tacit agreement

«You were awake?» Eunwoo said without flinching.

Moon Bin smiled, nodded and tilted his head, like he perfectly knew what he was trying to say - like he had hoped for that words to be finally spoken by Eunwoo.

«I'm always listening, Eunwoo.» he confirmed the boy’s worst fears, «I told you - I like your voice. It’s so kind, smooth and delicate, that just suits you perfectly.»

Without being seen, he found Eunwoo’s hand in the crowd and squeezed it gently, as he intertwined their fingers together. 

Eunwoo felt a rush of pure, innocent, genuine love struck him from head to toe. Then, the sudden urge to kiss him right there, in front of thousands of people, and roughly find a room to make him forget once for all everything outside their lips pressed together against each other.

He restrained himself, thought. Their first time, if Moon Bin would let Eunwoo share something so intimate together, would be more than a single and tortuous way to a stuffy hotel chamber in Los Angeles, surrounded by their _hyungs_ and _hoobaes_. No, Eunwoo would definitely make it last for the entire night, if not for an entire week, and there wouldn’t be anything else to stop him from doing what he had dreamt for more than 4 years.

«If that it’s what you consider a confession, we will need to work on your complete lack of romanticism, somehow.»

«It was a confession.» Moon Bin pouted, nodding sonorously like the bigger dork in Los Angeles, «So cuddle me, now.»

Eunwoo sighed. He really had no idea what he was doing to him, did he?

«Yes, sir.»

As Moon Bin leaned his head against Eunwoo’s shoulder, the latter hugged him with both of his arms, pressing his cheek against his hair. 

Moon Bin beamed, finally content and satisfied against Eunwoo’s warm body.

«Will you watch over for me? Even if I’ll fall asleep when I walk?»

Eunwoo nodded against his head. «As long as you wish so.»

His friend - oh, god, no, that wasn’t right - his _boyfriend_ shook his head, sulking adorably. «Of course, I will always want it. Actually, if you are up to continuing being so considerate, just now already that I will never be able to let you go.»

Eunwoo chuckled. «That doesn't sound too bad. Better than to be stuck up with Sanha, at least.»

« _YAH!_ I HEARD YOU!»

Eunwoo didn’t have to turn around to see from a few meters away a tall figure jumping to make them see him. It was then that Minhyuk gave him a low punch, making Sanha disappear from Eunwoo and Moon Bin’ line of sight.

«Don’t worry! Continue! I’ll keep a leash on those three!» Minhyuk screamed to be heard by their friends.

«Why did you do it?» Sanha grunted in pain, as he girdled himself to massage his chest. Knowing Minhyuk, it would definitely hurt for a lot of days to come.

Still, Minhyuk shook his head and frowned, as he looked at them being all lovey-dovey like they were in their honey-moon. «Geez, they are so soppy. Do you think they already had sex?»

Sanha gawked. Turned around abruptly to look at them. Then, he screamed, covering his ears with his hands - incapable of even considering that possibility. «You thought about it and you still made me be the third wheel each time they had a _date_? You’re the true definition of evil!»

He ran toward Myungjun and Jinwoo, all moping and sniffling for the entertainment of Minhyuk, who laughed at himself, giving himself the credit for being simply a genius.

Jinwoo, still, was laughing so hard at Myungjun that he wouldn’t listen to Sanha’s sudden identity crisis.

«I think he's choking from laughing too much.» he just managed to say before falling to his knees, benting and pointing a finger against Myungjun, who was literally on the ground as well, crying himself out. Minhyuk did nothing to help them and Sanha, except pulling out his phone and starting recording the scene.

Eunwoo frowned, a little bit worried, as he looked at them without moving a muscle. «Should we go help them?»

«Nah.» Moon Bin said, «They are perfectly able to manage themselves.»

Surprisingly, the crowd started moving, as the traffic light signaled they could now walk over the crosswalk.

«Look. It's finally green!» Moon Bin exclaimed, gesturing toward the traffic light, «Where did you say you wanted to go?»

Eunwoo thought about it, as everybody else surpassed them. With all the truth, the faith, the doubts he felt at the moment, he held Moon Bin’s hand even stronger - completely, truthfully, excessively, happy. 

«Everywhere, as long as it's with you.»

Moon Bin smiled, and just then he started beckoning to the others to speed up, as he dragged Eunwoo deep down into the city of lights.

«Then, let's go!»

_Even when the dark comes crashing through_

_When you need someone to carry you_

_And when you're broken on the ground_

_You will be found_

**Author's Note:**

> When I first started racking my brain about this, I had already written the first 11 pages in 40 minutes under the influence of the muses (and thanks to the VLIVE for their 5th anniversary), before I slowly realised I wanted to write about Moon Bin and Eunwoo falling in love to each other, when the story wanted me to write about Moon Bin and Eunwoo, already in love, finally finding each other after a rough journey of toxicity and self-doubt. 
> 
> So I’m sorry if I deluded someone and especially if you were hoping for a lot of sweets moments between them, but I like the fact that this story is true to itself, and that both Eunwoo and Moon Bin found their happy ending, after a lot of self-care. 
> 
> The lyrics at the end of the story, as well as those that inspired me this OS, are from “You Will Be Found” and “Words Fail” from the “Dear Evan Hansen” Broadway Musical. Please, check them! They are exquisitely performed and sang.
> 
> See you next time!


End file.
